Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Thoughts are just words

I am alone with only my thoughts as comfort. I find it odd that I am comforted by my thoughts. They aren't complex. They aren't weak. I am alone. There isn't some heart filled thought crossing my mind. Just words. Simple. Plain. Nothing really worth writing about, but yet I feel compelled. My life hasn't been a roller coaster ride, but it hasn't been easy either. We all have our ups and downs. Our lefts and our rights. Words aren't just words, words hurt. I know hurting is a part of life, but I don't like people to know, really...does anyone? I don't see the point in documenting my life in this pointless journal anyway, but somehow I feel like I must. I feel life is far too short...shouldn't I be out partying, fuckin it up with the rest? No. I'm alone. He's working. She's sleeping. Not much to my life, so it seems. I do the same routine every day, not making much of a difference in anyones life. I find companionship in people who could care less. I try to open my arms out and they get forced back down. Some say I'm a bitch...and well I really am. I don't give a shit about you unless you can prove to me you are worth my time. I have far too many acquaintances that love to call themselves my friend. I'm a loner, I'm undependable, I'm shy, I'm loud. I'm everything you hate. Yea I'm the person people LOVE to HATE. I am alone.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Wishin You Well In Your Journey

I thought about you tonight. Did you grow wings instantly? Did it hurt? Is sissy taking care of you? Will I know you when I look at you. Are your eyes going to shine brightly? I'm missing you. I'm thinking of you! Was your journey worth it? I didn't even get to wipe a single tear. I didn't even get to recieve a single kiss. I'm understanding what it's like to have a piece of your heart missing. I always seem to find myself alone. He's working. She's sleeping. My thoughts are constantly racing. I don't really know what or who they are racing against...Possibly time? It's heart breaking to know with every breath I take I'm losing you. With every simple breath you breathe your dying...fading...drifting. You aren't mine. I don't know you inside out like He does. I'll never know how many hairs are on your many breaths you will breathe in this many blinks you will many sneezes you'll sneeze. I'll never cherish every single moment...especially those whiney ones. I start to wonder if you'll be mad at me for not giving it my all? I'm starting to wonder if you will always see lonliness, forgetfulness, hurtfulness, pain in my eyes? Will you think less of me when the stories are told? Will you brush it past you like I have done. Are my memories of Christmas always going to be tainted with the what ifs? I'm hurting, your laughing. Doesn't really seem fair. Are you up there thinking of me? Have you seen me? Really seen me? Are you flying? Are you walking? I have to ask myself...are these thoughts worth running through my mind. I'll never know what you looked like, I'll never know what you smelt like, I'll never know...and it KILLS me not to know. I will never know you. I've already forgotten so much. Memories are memories that at some point fade...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

heads a mess

It's hard to describe my exact feelings, as there are no words. I sometimes feel like everything is really going to be okay in the end, then I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so confused. I feel so alone in my feelings. I look at her. It's love. I look at him. It's love. I look at myself...and well that's a different story. I'm not very fond of this feeling, I must tell you. I feel like I took a complete 180 turn. But I have to be okay...but this is life right? Living and dying...some don't even get the chance to really live. It's fate I suppose. Or maybe it's the way the world turns. My brain is upside down, my heart is right side up. My head is spinning and I can't think of all the things I'm supposed to do, much less be. I guess I am just a mess. I know God is taking care of me...I know God is doing what's right with me...then how come I question so much? How come I second guess myself? I live a lie, because there is always a lie to live. Running away is much easier than facing the truth. I shut it out. I can beat myself up. I can try to make a point. I'm strong, because I am not weak. I refuse to let my guard down, because that's when you get the upper hand. My life's a living lie. My head is a mess. My hands are tainted. My blood is black. My heart is smoking. My eyes are fading. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. Forget the flesh. Eyes burn red. I'm forgetting...forgetting...forgotten. Well psh fuck it doesn't make much sense now does it?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Got some news

I'm pregnant and couldn't be more thrilled. God is good. He answered my prayers! Maybe he will answer the prayers of me having a boy! Pray it's a boy!

I'm thankful that God gave me a bean and a lil girl. God is good.

Oh and have a merry christmas. It's kylie jade's 2nd christmas!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday

Today has been a wonderful, yet very tiresome day!

This morning my mom called and told me to meet her at Cracker Barrel so low and behold I packed the child and hubby and we headed down the street to CB. We chatted and ate (my older brother was the waiter!) and made plans for the rest of the day! In anycase afterwards hubby had to leave to go to work so Kylie Jade, myself and my mother went to Walmart to look at the black friday deals =) I found some REALLY great deals, and overall the shopping experience wasn't half bad. I got a some things for John and a few things for Kylie Jade! I was excited. I got some stocking stuffers as well yay! Kylie Jade lost a shoe during the day so we had to go buy her a new pair at the mall. After that it was off to home to let Kylie Jade take a nap. After nap we ate then went to Emberly and David's so I could take Emberly and Lynsey shopping. We went to McKay and Target! I got a few more things at Target. But I am done Christmas Shopping aside from what John is buying for me and the Primrose teachers! But otherwise I am onto wrapping the gifts. Oh geeze!

I do want to end the days thanking God for at least ONE thing that happened. So I will say Thank you God for helping to keep me calm when I lost my cell phone. By staying calm I was able to think straight and find my phone! ;)


Thursday, November 26, 2009


I am thankful for my family, my healthy daughter, my husband, my faith, my family, my talents. I'm thankful God hasn't made me and John suffer from the recession, instead he has kept us steady and has provided. THANK YOU GOD FOR THANKSGIVING! I loooove remembering to be thankful!

Today is a good one!
UPDATE: Thanksgiving day was fun! Ate food, played outside, and got to spend some time with the little ones! I am sooo thankful for family and am very disappointed that Thanksgiving only comes once a year! So from now on I'm going to try to end every day by saying something that I am thankful for! And something besides the obvious hubby, daughter, family, etc. something that digs a little deeper!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Here's To Another Long Journey With the People I Love

I'm here. He's at work. The little one is snoozing in her crib.

I have finally decided I'm ready to take the plunge into motherhood again! I'm ready for another bundle of joy! I got the ok from my it's time to make things happen! Going to try in Dec. I'm excited! Hubby is too I think! So here goes...

Here's to another long journey with the people I love MOST!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I long for a son. I have since the first time I looked into his blue eyes. He smiled at me. I smiled at him. It was love at first sight. He still smiles at me, and he is still one of my first true loves. I remember the day I brushed his hair out of his face, and the time I flew him like an airplane, or the times he was all mine for several weeks. He is almost 9 now. I don't know where time has gone. Since then I have had 2 more nephews, 2 more nieces, and my own daughter. Some days I sit and think back on those days, and think of what a great big sister Kylie Jade would be to a baby brother. I am in noooo way ready for another baby right now, but it is nice to think that I might, one day, get the boy I have longed for.

On another note my little girl is growing so much! She is going to be 17 mths in just a few days. Seems impossible that she is already that old. She is the silliest little girl you could ask for. She is everything I want and more! When she laughs I can fill my heart explode with joy. When she puckers those juicy lips and kisses my I can feel the tears in my eyes as I'm so thankful we are both well enough to exchange this kind of love. My little girl is a miracle. I love her so much that there are no words to describe it. Even when she's throwing tantrums, or crying because she's sick, or having a really bad day...I stop and think of how many people have lost their children and cannot cuddle them until they calm down, that cannot kiss their wounds, that cannot figure out how to stop a screaming toddler. I am lucky. I am very lucky. I know God is there watching over us. I feel protected. I feel loved. I am loved! I think of all those that have loved and lost...I pray for them. I couldn't imagine. Kylie Jade, you are my world! I LOVE YOU!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Through Thick and Thin

My life has been pretty hectic lately!!! That must be why I'm slow to update this thing...

...In anycase my little bug started walking back in August she was 14mths. It's INSANE! She's growing like a little weed. She's been talking a lot more, and using her manners...get that. She does new little tricks every now again. It's ADORABLE! Uhhh I just LOVE that kid!

This month shall be a busy one. We went to MJ's (one of Kylie Jade's friends since BEFORE birth) one year birthday party at the beginning of this month, and we've been pretty busy every day since then! We are going to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow and I hope to update with lots of pictures! We have the Pumpkin Festival next week :) I know that will be a blast! I am on fall break from work next week as well. AH life is going great!

I realize you need to make the most of life! You don't have to be silly or stupid or get high or do drugs to make the most of can just take it day by step at a time...and enjoy the little things. Because the little things are really what usually gets us through.

I'm just glad I have a little family, that's filled with love, to get me through thick and thin!


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Never Far From Home

I've been struggling with many battles with myself. I have never believed in myself much, but I'm slowly realized that beating myself down is not making me go very far in life. I've been lucky enough to know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I've been wasting the gift God has given me. I'm always fighting a battle with myself. I've never believed I was smart enough, I've never had enough faith to think I can do it, and most of all I'm very lazy when it comes to making dreams a reality. I've been fighting constantly with myself. I've always been a bit of a failure. I've never been much good at anything. I'm slow. I'm weak. It's funny that thing I want for myself the most is to be strong, but I'm very weak. I build this firm, outer exterior...only for it to be a lie. I'm not as hard as I may be percieved. I'm actually very weak in my mind. I don't have enough energy, I don't have enough will power to continue to do the things I NEED to do. I've been given a wonderful gift and the sooner I face it...the better off I'll be. I know I cannot continue to run from my calling, but I find it very hard to face college life. I've been telling myself I'm not smart enough for who knows how long...I'm very frightened of failing. I laugh because you study, I'm too scared to do it myself. I'm not going to waste away any longer. I will do what He's called on me to do. If I have to do this kicking and screaming I will. I've just gotta accept the hand I've been dealt...and maybe I'm finally adult enough too.

Well I guess we will see now won't we?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Fireworks and a Melting Heart

It was a long, but wonderful day for me. I usually try to be hard, and not let days like this get the best of me, but today I did. The cookout was excellent. The children ran around having a good time, and I sat basking in the sun watching the children run around with happy faces. I took a zillion pictures, and ate tons of food. Afterwards it was time for Coolidge to watch the fireworks. It was wonderful! The lights were so pretty :) We got there several hours early, but I passed the time by shooting pics and watching everyone from afar. It's nice to just be on the outside looking in sometimes. As the fireworks neared Nickolas, Wesley, Brandon and Lyric needed to use the restroom, so I, John and Kylie Jade came to the rescue! We walked from the middle of the bridge to Stonecup where all the kids used the restroom. It was quite a walk. People were assuming John and I had five kids! So that was funny looking at all those faces in total shock! Hahaha. As we arrived back everyone gathered around to watch the fireworks. I got to hold Wesley as the fireworks started. Kylie Jade loved the fireworks, she was pointing as they flashed in the night sky. She was in amazement, and watching her face was just so amazing! As Wesley and I were gazing at those dazzling lights he looked right at me, with those big brown puppy dog eyes, and said "Maria I wouldn't want to watch these fireworks with anyone, but you!" Oh how my heart melted. There we were, Wesley and I, standing there watching these lights, and he made me heart melt. We talked a lot, just that Wesley and I. The lights glittered the sky, and I held my 4 almost 5 year old nephew, and just felt at peace. It seemed as if all the problems in the world just stopped for that speck of time, but it was all I needed to regain somelife perspective. Life is far too short to waste being mad, angry, and to hold grudges. We only get one shot at life, and I'd love to be able to share my love and compassion with those around me. Wesley gave me a gift tonight. And I will never ever forget it.Thanks Wes for being my firework buddy ;)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Nothing Else More

There has been a lot that has happened in almost a months time. It's crazy to believe that I'm a mother of a whole child, not an infant anymore, but a toddler. As Kylie Jade is starting to walk and slowly standing alone I find myself worrying more now than ever. It's a scary thing, but I have to let go sometime...and this is God's way of telling me I'm slowly ready to start letting go.

John and I have been discussing whether we should continue to rearface Kylie Jade. She's a year and over 20 lbs, but her seat rearfaces to 35lbs. I've always said I would continue to rearface as long as possible, but as the summer heat beats down on us, I find myself slowly wanting to turn her she can have some air blowing on her. I've been praying about it anyway and today, after pulling out of the Primrose parking lot, I got in a wreck. I discovered that in some odd way God answered my prayers. He had a weird way of showing it, but I was fully convinced that this was God's grace. My daughter was not forward facing and was not in the car. I'm blessed.

For some reason I've been feeling a little down lately. I can't quite put my finger on the reasoning, God is great, family life is great, but there was something eating away at me. Today everything has changed. I now realize that there is nothing else more that I need in this world. Being here, right here, in this moment is fine by me. I want to live my life glorifying God, but I've been known to use the phrase "I'm too busy." I don't understand myself sometimes. I want to do all the things in the world, but then I slack, and I leave, and I fail. I'm ready for one day of reunification of my true self. To one day open up the door and believe in myself, for once in my life. I want to glorify God in all the works that I can do. I know I can do it...I just have to jump into this with all the faith I can muster. I have a weird way of showing myself to people. I like my hard shell, but I know it's not impressive. I'm blind. I'm weak. I have to eventually start letting people in. My thoughts become written words, and yet I still feel as if I'm failing to completely let you know where I'm at in this world.

So I guess I will leave you with this. Right here, this moment, is going to be the best I can make it. You only live once. I chose this life, I'm going to continue to go down the right path. I'm going to make better choices, and forgive myself for dumb mistakes. I'm only human and that's what life is all about. Getting up after falling. There are so many people willing to help me up. I've just gotta extend my hand.

There IS nothing else more than I need in this world. It's all here right with me!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

One Year Already

It's crazy to think that she's over a year old already. Where did the time go? I'm not a mother to a newborn or infant I am now a catergorized mother to a toddler. It's quite insane! I'm beginning to see what tantrums and such are all about. Lucky me.

Her first birthday was AWESOME! She refused a nap, but she did not fuss once at her party. We did a baby einstein theme, and it turned out great. It lasted two hours and she had right around 35-40 people show up! It was great. She got to swing in the swings and open the many many MANY gifts she got. It was pretty exciting. I'm so proud of my little girl. She's accomplished so much already in her first year of life! Her party was at Vendergriff Park and I gotta tell ya it was a hell of a party. No rain, just the sun and the 85 degree weather! lol.

Enjoy the pics :)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I Know Where I'm Going

I have always had big dreams...since I was young. It's crazy, but I finally feel at peace with my desicion in what I want to do with the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe God will show me if this is the right path for me.

3 days til my baby girl turns one. It's amazing.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Coolidge Park

John and I had a wonderful Memorial Day as we took our daughter to Coolidge park for the first time. She played in the fountain and rode on the carousel, we went to the mall, and to the park. We just had a good, much needed family day. Although she threw up about 6 times last night. I held and comforted my daughter even through sleepy eyes. Because of Kayleigh Freeman I will no longer complain when my daughter cries at night waking my peaceful sleep, I will no longer find her a burden when I just need to get things done. Because of Kayleigh Freeman I will play with her longer, run my hands through her hair, take in her smell, comfort her in her time of need.

Kylie Jade loved the fountains she just had the best time ever! She loved splashing and had the best time with her daddy. This mom thing is just wonderful! Her smile, and laughs just let me taste a little dose of heaven! I'm so thankful God let me have Kylie Jade and has given me almost one year with my beautiful, sweet daughter. Thank you God.

Enjoy the pictures.

God Bless,


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memorial Day Cookout

It's a day early, but I'm surrounded by family, and can feel the love. My daughter is slowly making progress with walking, and standing alone. It makes me feel so happy to know that she is finally progressing in that area. I've been worried about it.

I had to the scare of my life, as she almost fell, head first, down the stairs. It's been an amazing journey with Kylie Jade. She only has 6 days left of true babyhood, and then she will be considered a toddler. It's weird to me to think that this time last year I was swollen and couldn't even put my shoes on.

As I hear the happy chatter of my family in the next room I realize how wonderful life really is. Thank you God for blessing me with my family. I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world.

God bless,

PS I'm still praying hard for Kayleigh Anne Freeman and her parents Adam and Aimee. Just keep them all in your prayers as little Kayleigh is an angel now :(

Saturday, May 23, 2009

2 Years of Marriage

John and I have had our struggles. Our battles seemed to be endless at times, and divorced was seriously considered once. When things get tough, sometimes it's easier to just quit. I've learned through a touching story of a little girl named Kayleigh Anne Freeman, to not give up so easily. I've prayed more than I've ever prayed before, and this time I really believe what I'm saying. I'm mortified of some of the dumb things I've done, but God lead me to Kayleigh. He wanted me to change my life...and thankfully it worked. Thank you Kayleigh for everything you've done for me! I'll forever be greatful, even though you're an angel now...I still feel like I knew's weird.

Today John and I celebrated 2 yrs of marriage. It was amazing. We went to eat at Red Robin and we went Bowling. It was a lot of fun. I love my husband so very much. It was amazing how much you can connect when you don't have to worry about a child, don't get me wrong I love my daughter with my whole being...but sometimes being away for 2 hrs can reboost you. It was just nice to walk hand in hand with my husband.

John, thank you for everything you've done for me! You're amazing. My love for you grows more and more everyday. I pray every night you return home safely from work. I admire your strength...I admire your determination. You may think you fail, but you're wonderful in my eyes. You make my heart feel complete. You were there by my side when I delivered Kylie Jade...and you never walked away. You're always there for me. You are my life. I love how you have passion, love, and happiness bubbled up inside of you. I love how you are such a wonderful daddy. I love how you are so eager to give to the church. I love how you are a wonderful Christian man. You are my light. Thank you for bringing me closer to God. Thank you for everything. John, I love you.

Happy 2 years of marriage baby, and many, many more years to come!!!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Birth of a Princess

"I'm pregnant," it was announced on September 30th, 2007. Gosh now that seems so far away.

John and I have been dating since I was a Sophomore and he was a Freshmen in high school. We had a rollercoaster ride of dates, and breakups, but even through it all we birthed a miracle.

We moved in together before John even graduated from High School, but we didn't want to do the deed until we were married. Pastor Scott Ptak married us on May 23rd, 2007 (almost 2 years ago now). Not long after we had a crazy night in bed and I got pregnant. September 10, 2007 to be exact. I knew something was funny, I wasn't eating a lot, and I couldn't fit in my wedding dress, but I didn't want to think of the worst, so I just went on dieting until I could fit into my dress. September 23, 2007 John and I got married, with tons watching, in a church. We had a great time then, but something still felt funny. On Sept. 28th I knew I was pregnant because my periods are always regular and I hadn't hit it. Sept. 30th my sister-in-law came with me to buy a pregnancy test. Two came out positive...and I was sooo happy.

As my belly grew I became frustrated. The first trimester I couldn't hold anything down, but the occasional Taco Bell and Sprite. I remember one night I was puking my lungs out when my little brother, Stephen, whom shared the apartment with us, accidentally burnt his popcorn. I came slowly out of my room, with tears in my eyes, and pointed to his popcorn. I couldn't talk for fear of puking all over the floor. John knew what I was saying and opened the screen door. Thankfully, I got back to sleep without any terrible reactions. After the first trimester, where I basically puked out my heart...things started to clear up. My head wasn't so fuzzy, I could step out of the room without running to the bathroom, and my belly began to grow. Things were going prefectly fine until the last trimester, the trimester of playing the waiting game. I had my baby shower which went splendidly, and now it was time...or closing in time to have the baby. I already knew it was a girl, in which I almost balled my eyes out right on the exam table. Oh how I longed for a little boy, but she's a girl. We moved into our house on April 1st, 2008. It was exciting I could finally make my little girls room up. Paint it, and get everything ready for the big day. It was a blast getting her room and playroom set up.

My due date was closing in, and I was getting tired, and out of breath. After many crazy braxton hicks contractions, swelling of the feet, and emergency DR visits...I awoke one morning and could not breathe. Her foot was pushing on my rib cage. Every move I made was more uncomfortable than the last. I went to bed that night a brave soldier, but got no sleep due to the constant pain in my chest. When I woke the next morning the pain was even worse. May 29th, 2008 I went to the DR. and they checked me out. They prescribed me Malox and told me to drink water and rest for 2 hrs. to see if that did anything. Nothing. I awoke with a neasuating feeling in the pit of my stomach. My little brother drove me back to the hospital. They checked me for dilation and sent me off the the Erlanger downtown to deliver my baby girl. I went in at 4:00 pm. I texted John and Stephen drove me to him at work. I got in our car and John took me the rest of the way. They were sticking me and prodding me and poking me with needles. And anyone that knows me well knows that I HATE that. Eventually everything worked itself out and night was falling. I fell asleep watching Save the Last Dance. I woke up feeling a big gush...they broke my water at 4:00 in the morning. I couldn't feel my contractions, but my mother talked me into getting an epidural. I freaked out...and cried a lot...they did it anyway. I started feeling contractions after the epidural...which I regret to this day. They started my drip around 11 am. I started to dilate...and it was coming along slowly. They said I was dilated 7 and I asked how much longer and was told a few hours 10 mins later I was dilated to 9 1/2 and was told to start pushing. I started pushing around 5:25 and had my baby girl at 5:43 pm on May 30th, 2008. Kylie Jade Rollan weighed 7 lbs. 15 ounces. She is my little angel. After they stitched me up, and got Kylie Jade ready they wheeled me off to recovery. I was dizzy and hungry and didn't know what was going on. I fell asleep and don't remember anything. I woke up the next day and begged for a shower that they thankfully let me have! The hospital stay was long and after delivering her on Friday we finally got to take our sweet baby girl home on Sunday. Homecoming was nice, but the nights were long. Thankfully John shared in the duties.

Every month I took a picture of Kylie Jade. We began seeing her do amazing things. Rolled over at 3 mths, ate solid foods at 4 mths, sat up unsupported at 5 1/2 mths, got first teeth at 6 mths, crawled and stood up holding onto something at 7 mths, crusied by 8 mths, and is now in a stand still at 11 mths. I love watching my baby girl grow. And seeing her experience her first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas has been beyond amazing.

I've been completely blessed, and we finally found a church home in Dec. that we call home. I absolutely love being there.

Now my daughter's one year birthday is coming up in almost a week...and I see all the changes that have been placed before us. Our journey has been a good one. I am forever greatful that God has given me an angel that, thankfully, hasn't grown her wings yet. I check on her sleeping every night and say a silent prayer of thanks for letting her come home mostly unscathed. I am blessed...and I feel for those who have loved and lost...and didn't get to know their little ones.

Thank you God for giving me Kylie Jade Rollan!