heads a mess

It's hard to describe my exact feelings, as there are no words. I sometimes feel like everything is really going to be okay in the end, then I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so confused. I feel so alone in my feelings. I look at her. It's love. I look at him. It's love. I look at myself...and well that's a different story. I'm not very fond of this feeling, I must tell you. I feel like I took a complete 180 turn. But I have to be okay...but this is life right? Living and dying...some don't even get the chance to really live. It's fate I suppose. Or maybe it's the way the world turns. My brain is upside down, my heart is right side up. My head is spinning and I can't think of all the things I'm supposed to do, much less be. I guess I am just a mess. I know God is taking care of me...I know God is doing what's right with me...then how come I question so much? How come I second guess myself? I live a lie, because there is always a lie to live. Running away is much easier than facing the truth. I shut it out. I can beat myself up. I can try to make a point. I'm strong, because I am not weak. I refuse to let my guard down, because that's when you get the upper hand. My life's a living lie. My head is a mess. My hands are tainted. My blood is black. My heart is smoking. My eyes are fading. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. Forget the flesh. Eyes burn red. I'm forgetting...forgetting...forgotten. Well psh fuck it doesn't make much sense now does it?