Can't Make It On Time

When you look in my eyes do you look past it or do you really see me? On a starry night when everything is still and quiet I can hear your breath and I can feel your bones. It has been a long time since I really looked at you...don't bother looking back because you will just get lost in the black hole...keep your eyes on the prize...

The Things Of the Past

Yesterday was a terrible day for me. My car ran out of oil, my daughter STILL had a fever (she had one for four days straight) spent 2 1/2 hours at the Drs. found out daughter has pneumonia then had to take her to get chest xrays had to run to Primrose to drop off check. Realize I have like NO MONEY in the bank...frustrating. Went to Wal-Greens to drop off prescription, came back 2 hrs later it was 25 bucks for it...very infuriating. Rented two redbox movies one for me and one for darling baby girl. She picked Barbie and the Mermaid Tale. We watched that she went to sit in my lap and slammed her head into my lip causing a bloody and swollen lip =(. It was just a rough day all around. I did, however, land 2 job interviews for Wednesday! Very much looking forward to it!

I am just thankful that I can look at her everyday and know that God gave me a miracle!

Failure

I can't do anything...literally. I feel like such a failure. I don't know what else to do at this point. I thought I really had a shot at this one. I'm just so upset. I'd say it's not fair, but there is no one to blame but myself. I just don't really feel like dealing with this crap anymore...I really really wanted this one too. =(

Pouring Out My Feelings

I had one of the best talks with God this morning. It was moving. I instantly felt different...I know He is standing with me now as soft tears roll down my cheeks. I'm not crying because I'm sad, angry or anything else really. Just for the loss of my baby. The one I carried for a few short weeks. Then I think back to Kayleigh this little girl IS wonderful. She lived a short life, but it was more satisfying than the 22 yrs I've been on this earth. I can't even imagine how much their parents must miss her. But I can pray for them. As I will continue to do for years to come.

John and I finally decided to start trying again. My heart aches. I really want another child to love and cuddle. I want to make Kylie Jade a big sister. I never knew how heartbreaking this process could be. I never knew I'd actually PLAN for a baby. I just assumed it would happen. As everyone around me is carrying babies, I find my heart breaking. I can't get away from it. It's constantly on my mind. I am a more positive person and am hoping I will have a wonderful, healthy pregnancy.

Just pray for us as we go through this journey of trying to conceive it's already got me messed up and it's only been one month.

Love

Love is one of the hardest feelings for me to capture. I am an expert at sorrow, pain, and misery, but LOVE, that's a totally different ball park. I feel love. All around me. Yet I have the hardest time expressing it. I gather all my feelings of love, and can only begin to explain what it feels. Breathtaking. Heart pounding. Stomach twisted. Butterfly kisses...it's amazing to me that I feel love all the time, and yet I cannot describe it in the way that it will blow your mind. When he's gone I miss him like crazy...part of me IS missing. I feel like the only person in the world when he's looking deep into my eyes. When his hands are wrapped, lovingly, around my waist. I feel like the only girl in the world when his lips press, longingly, onto mine. It makes me feel so special when I know I'm the only girl in his world. I'm the only girl in his eyes. He is my crutch when I'm falling. He is the hand that I reach out to. He is the only man I will ever long for when he's gone. I'm very honored that he chose me, out of all the girls he could. I am very honored that he loves me, when I have been so difficult to love. He will never give up on me, because he truly feels it in his heart. I am in love. I will not live the rest of my life fighting...I am going to just shut up and let life coast by. You don't get to live very long so might as well make the most of what I've got. I love him!