Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Nothing Else More

There has been a lot that has happened in almost a months time. It's crazy to believe that I'm a mother of a whole child, not an infant anymore, but a toddler. As Kylie Jade is starting to walk and slowly standing alone I find myself worrying more now than ever. It's a scary thing, but I have to let go sometime...and this is God's way of telling me I'm slowly ready to start letting go.

John and I have been discussing whether we should continue to rearface Kylie Jade. She's a year and over 20 lbs, but her seat rearfaces to 35lbs. I've always said I would continue to rearface as long as possible, but as the summer heat beats down on us, I find myself slowly wanting to turn her around...so she can have some air blowing on her. I've been praying about it anyway and today, after pulling out of the Primrose parking lot, I got in a wreck. I discovered that in some odd way God answered my prayers. He had a weird way of showing it, but I was fully convinced that this was God's grace. My daughter was not forward facing and was not in the car. I'm blessed.

For some reason I've been feeling a little down lately. I can't quite put my finger on the reasoning, God is great, family life is great, but there was something eating away at me. Today everything has changed. I now realize that there is nothing else more that I need in this world. Being here, right here, in this moment is fine by me. I want to live my life glorifying God, but I've been known to use the phrase "I'm too busy." I don't understand myself sometimes. I want to do all the things in the world, but then I slack, and I leave, and I fail. I'm ready for one day of reunification of my true self. To one day open up the door and believe in myself, for once in my life. I want to glorify God in all the works that I can do. I know I can do it...I just have to jump into this with all the faith I can muster. I have a weird way of showing myself to people. I like my hard shell, but I know it's not impressive. I'm blind. I'm weak. I have to eventually start letting people in. My thoughts become written words, and yet I still feel as if I'm failing to completely let you know where I'm at in this world.

So I guess I will leave you with this. Right here, this moment, is going to be the best I can make it. You only live once. I chose this life, I'm going to continue to go down the right path. I'm going to make better choices, and forgive myself for dumb mistakes. I'm only human and that's what life is all about. Getting up after falling. There are so many people willing to help me up. I've just gotta extend my hand.

There IS nothing else more than I need in this world. It's all here right with me!

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