Love

Love is one of the hardest feelings for me to capture. I am an expert at sorrow, pain, and misery, but LOVE, that's a totally different ball park. I feel love. All around me. Yet I have the hardest time expressing it. I gather all my feelings of love, and can only begin to explain what it feels. Breathtaking. Heart pounding. Stomach twisted. Butterfly kisses...it's amazing to me that I feel love all the time, and yet I cannot describe it in the way that it will blow your mind. When he's gone I miss him like crazy...part of me IS missing. I feel like the only person in the world when he's looking deep into my eyes. When his hands are wrapped, lovingly, around my waist. I feel like the only girl in the world when his lips press, longingly, onto mine. It makes me feel so special when I know I'm the only girl in his world. I'm the only girl in his eyes. He is my crutch when I'm falling. He is the hand that I reach out to. He is the only man I will ever long for when he's gone. I'm very honored that he chose me, out of all the girls he could. I am very honored that he loves me, when I have been so difficult to love. He will never give up on me, because he truly feels it in his heart. I am in love. I will not live the rest of my life fighting...I am going to just shut up and let life coast by. You don't get to live very long so might as well make the most of what I've got. I love him!

Thoughts are just words

I am alone with only my thoughts as comfort. I find it odd that I am comforted by my thoughts. They aren't complex. They aren't weak. I am alone. There isn't some heart filled thought crossing my mind. Just words. Simple. Plain. Nothing really worth writing about, but yet I feel compelled. My life hasn't been a roller coaster ride, but it hasn't been easy either. We all have our ups and downs. Our lefts and our rights. Words aren't just words, words hurt. I know hurting is a part of life, but I don't like people to know, really...does anyone? I don't see the point in documenting my life in this pointless journal anyway, but somehow I feel like I must. I feel life is far too short...shouldn't I be out partying, fuckin it up with the rest? No. I'm alone. He's working. She's sleeping. Not much to my life, so it seems. I do the same routine every day, not making much of a difference in anyones life. I find companionship in people who could care less. I try to open my arms out and they get forced back down. Some say I'm a bitch...and well I really am. I don't give a shit about you unless you can prove to me you are worth my time. I have far too many acquaintances that love to call themselves my friend. I'm a loner, I'm undependable, I'm shy, I'm loud. I'm everything you hate. Yea I'm the person people LOVE to HATE. I am alone.

Wishin You Well In Your Journey

I thought about you tonight. Did you grow wings instantly? Did it hurt? Is sissy taking care of you? Will I know you when I look at you. Are your eyes going to shine brightly? I'm missing you. I'm thinking of you! Was your journey worth it? I didn't even get to wipe a single tear. I didn't even get to recieve a single kiss. I'm understanding what it's like to have a piece of your heart missing. I always seem to find myself alone. He's working. She's sleeping. My thoughts are constantly racing. I don't really know what or who they are racing against...Possibly time? It's heart breaking to know with every breath I take I'm losing you. With every simple breath you breathe your dying...fading...drifting. You aren't mine. I don't know you inside out like He does. I'll never know how many hairs are on your head...how many breaths you will breathe in this life...how many blinks you will blink...how many sneezes you'll sneeze. I'll never cherish every single moment...especially those whiney ones. I start to wonder if you'll be mad at me for not giving it my all? I'm starting to wonder if you will always see lonliness, forgetfulness, hurtfulness, pain in my eyes? Will you think less of me when the stories are told? Will you brush it past you like I have done. Are my memories of Christmas always going to be tainted with the what ifs? I'm hurting, your laughing. Doesn't really seem fair. Are you up there thinking of me? Have you seen me? Really seen me? Are you flying? Are you walking? I have to ask myself...are these thoughts worth running through my mind. I'll never know what you looked like, I'll never know what you smelt like, I'll never know...and it KILLS me not to know. I will never know you. I've already forgotten so much. Memories are memories that at some point fade...

heads a mess

It's hard to describe my exact feelings, as there are no words. I sometimes feel like everything is really going to be okay in the end, then I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so confused. I feel so alone in my feelings. I look at her. It's love. I look at him. It's love. I look at myself...and well that's a different story. I'm not very fond of this feeling, I must tell you. I feel like I took a complete 180 turn. But I have to be okay...but this is life right? Living and dying...some don't even get the chance to really live. It's fate I suppose. Or maybe it's the way the world turns. My brain is upside down, my heart is right side up. My head is spinning and I can't think of all the things I'm supposed to do, much less be. I guess I am just a mess. I know God is taking care of me...I know God is doing what's right with me...then how come I question so much? How come I second guess myself? I live a lie, because there is always a lie to live. Running away is much easier than facing the truth. I shut it out. I can beat myself up. I can try to make a point. I'm strong, because I am not weak. I refuse to let my guard down, because that's when you get the upper hand. My life's a living lie. My head is a mess. My hands are tainted. My blood is black. My heart is smoking. My eyes are fading. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. Forget the flesh. Eyes burn red. I'm forgetting...forgetting...forgotten. Well psh fuck it doesn't make much sense now does it?

Got some news

I'm pregnant and couldn't be more thrilled. God is good. He answered my prayers! Maybe he will answer the prayers of me having a boy! Pray it's a boy!

I'm thankful that God gave me a bean and a lil girl. God is good.

Oh and have a merry christmas. It's kylie jade's 2nd christmas!

Black Friday

Today has been a wonderful, yet very tiresome day!

This morning my mom called and told me to meet her at Cracker Barrel so low and behold I packed the child and hubby and we headed down the street to CB. We chatted and ate (my older brother was the waiter!) and made plans for the rest of the day! In anycase afterwards hubby had to leave to go to work so Kylie Jade, myself and my mother went to Walmart to look at the black friday deals =) I found some REALLY great deals, and overall the shopping experience wasn't half bad. I got a some things for John and a few things for Kylie Jade! I was excited. I got some stocking stuffers as well yay! Kylie Jade lost a shoe during the day so we had to go buy her a new pair at the mall. After that it was off to home to let Kylie Jade take a nap. After nap we ate then went to Emberly and David's so I could take Emberly and Lynsey shopping. We went to McKay and Target! I got a few more things at Target. But I am done Christmas Shopping aside from what John is buying for me and the Primrose teachers! But otherwise I am done...now onto wrapping the gifts. Oh geeze!

I do want to end the days thanking God for at least ONE thing that happened. So I will say Thank you God for helping to keep me calm when I lost my cell phone. By staying calm I was able to think straight and find my phone! ;)

GOD IS GREAT!

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, my healthy daughter, my husband, my faith, my family, my talents. I'm thankful God hasn't made me and John suffer from the recession, instead he has kept us steady and has provided. THANK YOU GOD FOR THANKSGIVING! I loooove remembering to be thankful!

Today is a good one!

UPDATE: Thanksgiving day was fun! Ate food, played outside, and got to spend some time with the little ones! I am sooo thankful for family and am very disappointed that Thanksgiving only comes once a year! So from now on I'm going to try to end every day by saying something that I am thankful for! And something besides the obvious hubby, daughter, family, etc. something that digs a little deeper!