heads a mess

It's hard to describe my exact feelings, as there are no words. I sometimes feel like everything is really going to be okay in the end, then I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so confused. I feel so alone in my feelings. I look at her. It's love. I look at him. It's love. I look at myself...and well that's a different story. I'm not very fond of this feeling, I must tell you. I feel like I took a complete 180 turn. But I have to be okay...but this is life right? Living and dying...some don't even get the chance to really live. It's fate I suppose. Or maybe it's the way the world turns. My brain is upside down, my heart is right side up. My head is spinning and I can't think of all the things I'm supposed to do, much less be. I guess I am just a mess. I know God is taking care of me...I know God is doing what's right with me...then how come I question so much? How come I second guess myself? I live a lie, because there is always a lie to live. Running away is much easier than facing the truth. I shut it out. I can beat myself up. I can try to make a point. I'm strong, because I am not weak. I refuse to let my guard down, because that's when you get the upper hand. My life's a living lie. My head is a mess. My hands are tainted. My blood is black. My heart is smoking. My eyes are fading. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. Forget the flesh. Eyes burn red. I'm forgetting...forgetting...forgotten. Well psh fuck it doesn't make much sense now does it?

Got some news

I'm pregnant and couldn't be more thrilled. God is good. He answered my prayers! Maybe he will answer the prayers of me having a boy! Pray it's a boy!

I'm thankful that God gave me a bean and a lil girl. God is good.

Oh and have a merry christmas. It's kylie jade's 2nd christmas!

Black Friday

Today has been a wonderful, yet very tiresome day!

This morning my mom called and told me to meet her at Cracker Barrel so low and behold I packed the child and hubby and we headed down the street to CB. We chatted and ate (my older brother was the waiter!) and made plans for the rest of the day! In anycase afterwards hubby had to leave to go to work so Kylie Jade, myself and my mother went to Walmart to look at the black friday deals =) I found some REALLY great deals, and overall the shopping experience wasn't half bad. I got a some things for John and a few things for Kylie Jade! I was excited. I got some stocking stuffers as well yay! Kylie Jade lost a shoe during the day so we had to go buy her a new pair at the mall. After that it was off to home to let Kylie Jade take a nap. After nap we ate then went to Emberly and David's so I could take Emberly and Lynsey shopping. We went to McKay and Target! I got a few more things at Target. But I am done Christmas Shopping aside from what John is buying for me and the Primrose teachers! But otherwise I am done...now onto wrapping the gifts. Oh geeze!

I do want to end the days thanking God for at least ONE thing that happened. So I will say Thank you God for helping to keep me calm when I lost my cell phone. By staying calm I was able to think straight and find my phone! ;)

GOD IS GREAT!

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, my healthy daughter, my husband, my faith, my family, my talents. I'm thankful God hasn't made me and John suffer from the recession, instead he has kept us steady and has provided. THANK YOU GOD FOR THANKSGIVING! I loooove remembering to be thankful!

Today is a good one!

UPDATE: Thanksgiving day was fun! Ate food, played outside, and got to spend some time with the little ones! I am sooo thankful for family and am very disappointed that Thanksgiving only comes once a year! So from now on I'm going to try to end every day by saying something that I am thankful for! And something besides the obvious hubby, daughter, family, etc. something that digs a little deeper!

Here's To Another Long Journey With the People I Love

I'm here. He's at work. The little one is snoozing in her crib.

I have finally decided I'm ready to take the plunge into motherhood again! I'm ready for another bundle of joy! I got the ok from my hubby...now it's time to make things happen! Going to try in Dec. I'm excited! Hubby is too I think! So here goes...


Here's to another long journey with the people I love MOST!

Choices

I long for a son. I have since the first time I looked into his blue eyes. He smiled at me. I smiled at him. It was love at first sight. He still smiles at me, and he is still one of my first true loves. I remember the day I brushed his hair out of his face, and the time I flew him like an airplane, or the times he was all mine for several weeks. He is almost 9 now. I don't know where time has gone. Since then I have had 2 more nephews, 2 more nieces, and my own daughter. Some days I sit and think back on those days, and think of what a great big sister Kylie Jade would be to a baby brother. I am in noooo way ready for another baby right now, but it is nice to think that I might, one day, get the boy I have longed for.

On another note my little girl is growing so much! She is going to be 17 mths in just a few days. Seems impossible that she is already that old. She is the silliest little girl you could ask for. She is everything I want and more! When she laughs I can fill my heart explode with joy. When she puckers those juicy lips and kisses my I can feel the tears in my eyes as I'm so thankful we are both well enough to exchange this kind of love. My little girl is a miracle. I love her so much that there are no words to describe it. Even when she's throwing tantrums, or crying because she's sick, or having a really bad day...I stop and think of how many people have lost their children and cannot cuddle them until they calm down, that cannot kiss their wounds, that cannot figure out how to stop a screaming toddler. I am lucky. I am very lucky. I know God is there watching over us. I feel protected. I feel loved. I am loved! I think of all those that have loved and lost...I pray for them. I couldn't imagine. Kylie Jade, you are my world! I LOVE YOU!

Through Thick and Thin

My life has been pretty hectic lately!!! That must be why I'm slow to update this thing...

...In anycase my little bug started walking back in August she was 14mths. It's INSANE! She's growing like a little weed. She's been talking a lot more, and using her manners...get that. She does new little tricks every now again. It's ADORABLE! Uhhh I just LOVE that kid!

This month shall be a busy one. We went to MJ's (one of Kylie Jade's friends since BEFORE birth) one year birthday party at the beginning of this month, and we've been pretty busy every day since then! We are going to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow and I hope to update with lots of pictures! We have the Pumpkin Festival next week :) I know that will be a blast! I am on fall break from work next week as well. AH life is going great!

I realize you need to make the most of life! You don't have to be silly or stupid or get high or do drugs to make the most of life...you can just take it day by day...one step at a time...and enjoy the little things. Because the little things are really what usually gets us through.

I'm just glad I have a little family, that's filled with love, to get me through thick and thin!



GOD BLESS,
Me