Choices

I long for a son. I have since the first time I looked into his blue eyes. He smiled at me. I smiled at him. It was love at first sight. He still smiles at me, and he is still one of my first true loves. I remember the day I brushed his hair out of his face, and the time I flew him like an airplane, or the times he was all mine for several weeks. He is almost 9 now. I don't know where time has gone. Since then I have had 2 more nephews, 2 more nieces, and my own daughter. Some days I sit and think back on those days, and think of what a great big sister Kylie Jade would be to a baby brother. I am in noooo way ready for another baby right now, but it is nice to think that I might, one day, get the boy I have longed for.

On another note my little girl is growing so much! She is going to be 17 mths in just a few days. Seems impossible that she is already that old. She is the silliest little girl you could ask for. She is everything I want and more! When she laughs I can fill my heart explode with joy. When she puckers those juicy lips and kisses my I can feel the tears in my eyes as I'm so thankful we are both well enough to exchange this kind of love. My little girl is a miracle. I love her so much that there are no words to describe it. Even when she's throwing tantrums, or crying because she's sick, or having a really bad day...I stop and think of how many people have lost their children and cannot cuddle them until they calm down, that cannot kiss their wounds, that cannot figure out how to stop a screaming toddler. I am lucky. I am very lucky. I know God is there watching over us. I feel protected. I feel loved. I am loved! I think of all those that have loved and lost...I pray for them. I couldn't imagine. Kylie Jade, you are my world! I LOVE YOU!

Through Thick and Thin

My life has been pretty hectic lately!!! That must be why I'm slow to update this thing...

...In anycase my little bug started walking back in August she was 14mths. It's INSANE! She's growing like a little weed. She's been talking a lot more, and using her manners...get that. She does new little tricks every now again. It's ADORABLE! Uhhh I just LOVE that kid!

This month shall be a busy one. We went to MJ's (one of Kylie Jade's friends since BEFORE birth) one year birthday party at the beginning of this month, and we've been pretty busy every day since then! We are going to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow and I hope to update with lots of pictures! We have the Pumpkin Festival next week :) I know that will be a blast! I am on fall break from work next week as well. AH life is going great!

I realize you need to make the most of life! You don't have to be silly or stupid or get high or do drugs to make the most of life...you can just take it day by day...one step at a time...and enjoy the little things. Because the little things are really what usually gets us through.

I'm just glad I have a little family, that's filled with love, to get me through thick and thin!



GOD BLESS,
Me

Never Far From Home

I've been struggling with many battles with myself. I have never believed in myself much, but I'm slowly realized that beating myself down is not making me go very far in life. I've been lucky enough to know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I've been wasting the gift God has given me. I'm always fighting a battle with myself. I've never believed I was smart enough, I've never had enough faith to think I can do it, and most of all I'm very lazy when it comes to making dreams a reality. I've been fighting constantly with myself. I've always been a bit of a failure. I've never been much good at anything. I'm slow. I'm weak. It's funny that thing I want for myself the most is to be strong, but I'm very weak. I build this firm, outer exterior...only for it to be a lie. I'm not as hard as I may be percieved. I'm actually very weak in my mind. I don't have enough energy, I don't have enough will power to continue to do the things I NEED to do. I've been given a wonderful gift and the sooner I face it...the better off I'll be. I know I cannot continue to run from my calling, but I find it very hard to face college life. I've been telling myself I'm not smart enough for who knows how long...I'm very frightened of failing. I laugh because you study, I'm too scared to do it myself. I'm not going to waste away any longer. I will do what He's called on me to do. If I have to do this kicking and screaming I will. I've just gotta accept the hand I've been dealt...and maybe I'm finally adult enough too.

Well I guess we will see now won't we?

Fireworks and a Melting Heart

It was a long, but wonderful day for me. I usually try to be hard, and not let days like this get the best of me, but today I did. The cookout was excellent. The children ran around having a good time, and I sat basking in the sun watching the children run around with happy faces. I took a zillion pictures, and ate tons of food. Afterwards it was time for Coolidge to watch the fireworks. It was wonderful! The lights were so pretty :) We got there several hours early, but I passed the time by shooting pics and watching everyone from afar. It's nice to just be on the outside looking in sometimes. As the fireworks neared Nickolas, Wesley, Brandon and Lyric needed to use the restroom, so I, John and Kylie Jade came to the rescue! We walked from the middle of the bridge to Stonecup where all the kids used the restroom. It was quite a walk. People were assuming John and I had five kids! So that was funny looking at all those faces in total shock! Hahaha. As we arrived back everyone gathered around to watch the fireworks. I got to hold Wesley as the fireworks started. Kylie Jade loved the fireworks, she was pointing as they flashed in the night sky. She was in amazement, and watching her face was just so amazing! As Wesley and I were gazing at those dazzling lights he looked right at me, with those big brown puppy dog eyes, and said "Maria I wouldn't want to watch these fireworks with anyone, but you!" Oh how my heart melted. There we were, Wesley and I, standing there watching these lights, and he made me heart melt. We talked a lot, just that Wesley and I. The lights glittered the sky, and I held my 4 almost 5 year old nephew, and just felt at peace. It seemed as if all the problems in the world just stopped for that speck of time, but it was all I needed to regain somelife perspective. Life is far too short to waste being mad, angry, and to hold grudges. We only get one shot at life, and I'd love to be able to share my love and compassion with those around me. Wesley gave me a gift tonight. And I will never ever forget it.Thanks Wes for being my firework buddy ;)

Nothing Else More

There has been a lot that has happened in almost a months time. It's crazy to believe that I'm a mother of a whole child, not an infant anymore, but a toddler. As Kylie Jade is starting to walk and slowly standing alone I find myself worrying more now than ever. It's a scary thing, but I have to let go sometime...and this is God's way of telling me I'm slowly ready to start letting go.

John and I have been discussing whether we should continue to rearface Kylie Jade. She's a year and over 20 lbs, but her seat rearfaces to 35lbs. I've always said I would continue to rearface as long as possible, but as the summer heat beats down on us, I find myself slowly wanting to turn her around...so she can have some air blowing on her. I've been praying about it anyway and today, after pulling out of the Primrose parking lot, I got in a wreck. I discovered that in some odd way God answered my prayers. He had a weird way of showing it, but I was fully convinced that this was God's grace. My daughter was not forward facing and was not in the car. I'm blessed.

For some reason I've been feeling a little down lately. I can't quite put my finger on the reasoning, God is great, family life is great, but there was something eating away at me. Today everything has changed. I now realize that there is nothing else more that I need in this world. Being here, right here, in this moment is fine by me. I want to live my life glorifying God, but I've been known to use the phrase "I'm too busy." I don't understand myself sometimes. I want to do all the things in the world, but then I slack, and I leave, and I fail. I'm ready for one day of reunification of my true self. To one day open up the door and believe in myself, for once in my life. I want to glorify God in all the works that I can do. I know I can do it...I just have to jump into this with all the faith I can muster. I have a weird way of showing myself to people. I like my hard shell, but I know it's not impressive. I'm blind. I'm weak. I have to eventually start letting people in. My thoughts become written words, and yet I still feel as if I'm failing to completely let you know where I'm at in this world.

So I guess I will leave you with this. Right here, this moment, is going to be the best I can make it. You only live once. I chose this life, I'm going to continue to go down the right path. I'm going to make better choices, and forgive myself for dumb mistakes. I'm only human and that's what life is all about. Getting up after falling. There are so many people willing to help me up. I've just gotta extend my hand.

There IS nothing else more than I need in this world. It's all here right with me!

One Year Already

It's crazy to think that she's over a year old already. Where did the time go? I'm not a mother to a newborn or infant I am now a catergorized mother to a toddler. It's quite insane! I'm beginning to see what tantrums and such are all about. Lucky me.

Her first birthday was AWESOME! She refused a nap, but she did not fuss once at her party. We did a baby einstein theme, and it turned out great. It lasted two hours and she had right around 35-40 people show up! It was great. She got to swing in the swings and open the many many MANY gifts she got. It was pretty exciting. I'm so proud of my little girl. She's accomplished so much already in her first year of life! Her party was at Vendergriff Park and I gotta tell ya it was a hell of a party. No rain, just the sun and the 85 degree weather! lol.

Enjoy the pics :)

I Know Where I'm Going

I have always had big dreams...since I was young. It's crazy, but I finally feel at peace with my desicion in what I want to do with the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe God will show me if this is the right path for me.

3 days til my baby girl turns one. It's amazing.