Sunday, August 9, 2009

Never Far From Home

I've been struggling with many battles with myself. I have never believed in myself much, but I'm slowly realized that beating myself down is not making me go very far in life. I've been lucky enough to know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I've been wasting the gift God has given me. I'm always fighting a battle with myself. I've never believed I was smart enough, I've never had enough faith to think I can do it, and most of all I'm very lazy when it comes to making dreams a reality. I've been fighting constantly with myself. I've always been a bit of a failure. I've never been much good at anything. I'm slow. I'm weak. It's funny that thing I want for myself the most is to be strong, but I'm very weak. I build this firm, outer exterior...only for it to be a lie. I'm not as hard as I may be percieved. I'm actually very weak in my mind. I don't have enough energy, I don't have enough will power to continue to do the things I NEED to do. I've been given a wonderful gift and the sooner I face it...the better off I'll be. I know I cannot continue to run from my calling, but I find it very hard to face college life. I've been telling myself I'm not smart enough for who knows how long...I'm very frightened of failing. I laugh because you study, I'm too scared to do it myself. I'm not going to waste away any longer. I will do what He's called on me to do. If I have to do this kicking and screaming I will. I've just gotta accept the hand I've been dealt...and maybe I'm finally adult enough too.

Well I guess we will see now won't we?