Can't Make It On Time

When you look in my eyes do you look past it or do you really see me? On a starry night when everything is still and quiet I can hear your breath and I can feel your bones. It has been a long time since I really looked at you...don't bother looking back because you will just get lost in the black hole...keep your eyes on the prize...

The Things Of the Past

Yesterday was a terrible day for me. My car ran out of oil, my daughter STILL had a fever (she had one for four days straight) spent 2 1/2 hours at the Drs. found out daughter has pneumonia then had to take her to get chest xrays had to run to Primrose to drop off check. Realize I have like NO MONEY in the bank...frustrating. Went to Wal-Greens to drop off prescription, came back 2 hrs later it was 25 bucks for it...very infuriating. Rented two redbox movies one for me and one for darling baby girl. She picked Barbie and the Mermaid Tale. We watched that she went to sit in my lap and slammed her head into my lip causing a bloody and swollen lip =(. It was just a rough day all around. I did, however, land 2 job interviews for Wednesday! Very much looking forward to it!

I am just thankful that I can look at her everyday and know that God gave me a miracle!

Failure

I can't do anything...literally. I feel like such a failure. I don't know what else to do at this point. I thought I really had a shot at this one. I'm just so upset. I'd say it's not fair, but there is no one to blame but myself. I just don't really feel like dealing with this crap anymore...I really really wanted this one too. =(

Pouring Out My Feelings

I had one of the best talks with God this morning. It was moving. I instantly felt different...I know He is standing with me now as soft tears roll down my cheeks. I'm not crying because I'm sad, angry or anything else really. Just for the loss of my baby. The one I carried for a few short weeks. Then I think back to Kayleigh this little girl IS wonderful. She lived a short life, but it was more satisfying than the 22 yrs I've been on this earth. I can't even imagine how much their parents must miss her. But I can pray for them. As I will continue to do for years to come.

John and I finally decided to start trying again. My heart aches. I really want another child to love and cuddle. I want to make Kylie Jade a big sister. I never knew how heartbreaking this process could be. I never knew I'd actually PLAN for a baby. I just assumed it would happen. As everyone around me is carrying babies, I find my heart breaking. I can't get away from it. It's constantly on my mind. I am a more positive person and am hoping I will have a wonderful, healthy pregnancy.

Just pray for us as we go through this journey of trying to conceive it's already got me messed up and it's only been one month.

Love

Love is one of the hardest feelings for me to capture. I am an expert at sorrow, pain, and misery, but LOVE, that's a totally different ball park. I feel love. All around me. Yet I have the hardest time expressing it. I gather all my feelings of love, and can only begin to explain what it feels. Breathtaking. Heart pounding. Stomach twisted. Butterfly kisses...it's amazing to me that I feel love all the time, and yet I cannot describe it in the way that it will blow your mind. When he's gone I miss him like crazy...part of me IS missing. I feel like the only person in the world when he's looking deep into my eyes. When his hands are wrapped, lovingly, around my waist. I feel like the only girl in the world when his lips press, longingly, onto mine. It makes me feel so special when I know I'm the only girl in his world. I'm the only girl in his eyes. He is my crutch when I'm falling. He is the hand that I reach out to. He is the only man I will ever long for when he's gone. I'm very honored that he chose me, out of all the girls he could. I am very honored that he loves me, when I have been so difficult to love. He will never give up on me, because he truly feels it in his heart. I am in love. I will not live the rest of my life fighting...I am going to just shut up and let life coast by. You don't get to live very long so might as well make the most of what I've got. I love him!

Thoughts are just words

I am alone with only my thoughts as comfort. I find it odd that I am comforted by my thoughts. They aren't complex. They aren't weak. I am alone. There isn't some heart filled thought crossing my mind. Just words. Simple. Plain. Nothing really worth writing about, but yet I feel compelled. My life hasn't been a roller coaster ride, but it hasn't been easy either. We all have our ups and downs. Our lefts and our rights. Words aren't just words, words hurt. I know hurting is a part of life, but I don't like people to know, really...does anyone? I don't see the point in documenting my life in this pointless journal anyway, but somehow I feel like I must. I feel life is far too short...shouldn't I be out partying, fuckin it up with the rest? No. I'm alone. He's working. She's sleeping. Not much to my life, so it seems. I do the same routine every day, not making much of a difference in anyones life. I find companionship in people who could care less. I try to open my arms out and they get forced back down. Some say I'm a bitch...and well I really am. I don't give a shit about you unless you can prove to me you are worth my time. I have far too many acquaintances that love to call themselves my friend. I'm a loner, I'm undependable, I'm shy, I'm loud. I'm everything you hate. Yea I'm the person people LOVE to HATE. I am alone.

Wishin You Well In Your Journey

I thought about you tonight. Did you grow wings instantly? Did it hurt? Is sissy taking care of you? Will I know you when I look at you. Are your eyes going to shine brightly? I'm missing you. I'm thinking of you! Was your journey worth it? I didn't even get to wipe a single tear. I didn't even get to recieve a single kiss. I'm understanding what it's like to have a piece of your heart missing. I always seem to find myself alone. He's working. She's sleeping. My thoughts are constantly racing. I don't really know what or who they are racing against...Possibly time? It's heart breaking to know with every breath I take I'm losing you. With every simple breath you breathe your dying...fading...drifting. You aren't mine. I don't know you inside out like He does. I'll never know how many hairs are on your head...how many breaths you will breathe in this life...how many blinks you will blink...how many sneezes you'll sneeze. I'll never cherish every single moment...especially those whiney ones. I start to wonder if you'll be mad at me for not giving it my all? I'm starting to wonder if you will always see lonliness, forgetfulness, hurtfulness, pain in my eyes? Will you think less of me when the stories are told? Will you brush it past you like I have done. Are my memories of Christmas always going to be tainted with the what ifs? I'm hurting, your laughing. Doesn't really seem fair. Are you up there thinking of me? Have you seen me? Really seen me? Are you flying? Are you walking? I have to ask myself...are these thoughts worth running through my mind. I'll never know what you looked like, I'll never know what you smelt like, I'll never know...and it KILLS me not to know. I will never know you. I've already forgotten so much. Memories are memories that at some point fade...