Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Thoughts are just words

I am alone with only my thoughts as comfort. I find it odd that I am comforted by my thoughts. They aren't complex. They aren't weak. I am alone. There isn't some heart filled thought crossing my mind. Just words. Simple. Plain. Nothing really worth writing about, but yet I feel compelled. My life hasn't been a roller coaster ride, but it hasn't been easy either. We all have our ups and downs. Our lefts and our rights. Words aren't just words, words hurt. I know hurting is a part of life, but I don't like people to know, really...does anyone? I don't see the point in documenting my life in this pointless journal anyway, but somehow I feel like I must. I feel life is far too short...shouldn't I be out partying, fuckin it up with the rest? No. I'm alone. He's working. She's sleeping. Not much to my life, so it seems. I do the same routine every day, not making much of a difference in anyones life. I find companionship in people who could care less. I try to open my arms out and they get forced back down. Some say I'm a bitch...and well I really am. I don't give a shit about you unless you can prove to me you are worth my time. I have far too many acquaintances that love to call themselves my friend. I'm a loner, I'm undependable, I'm shy, I'm loud. I'm everything you hate. Yea I'm the person people LOVE to HATE. I am alone.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Wishin You Well In Your Journey

I thought about you tonight. Did you grow wings instantly? Did it hurt? Is sissy taking care of you? Will I know you when I look at you. Are your eyes going to shine brightly? I'm missing you. I'm thinking of you! Was your journey worth it? I didn't even get to wipe a single tear. I didn't even get to recieve a single kiss. I'm understanding what it's like to have a piece of your heart missing. I always seem to find myself alone. He's working. She's sleeping. My thoughts are constantly racing. I don't really know what or who they are racing against...Possibly time? It's heart breaking to know with every breath I take I'm losing you. With every simple breath you breathe your dying...fading...drifting. You aren't mine. I don't know you inside out like He does. I'll never know how many hairs are on your many breaths you will breathe in this many blinks you will many sneezes you'll sneeze. I'll never cherish every single moment...especially those whiney ones. I start to wonder if you'll be mad at me for not giving it my all? I'm starting to wonder if you will always see lonliness, forgetfulness, hurtfulness, pain in my eyes? Will you think less of me when the stories are told? Will you brush it past you like I have done. Are my memories of Christmas always going to be tainted with the what ifs? I'm hurting, your laughing. Doesn't really seem fair. Are you up there thinking of me? Have you seen me? Really seen me? Are you flying? Are you walking? I have to ask myself...are these thoughts worth running through my mind. I'll never know what you looked like, I'll never know what you smelt like, I'll never know...and it KILLS me not to know. I will never know you. I've already forgotten so much. Memories are memories that at some point fade...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

heads a mess

It's hard to describe my exact feelings, as there are no words. I sometimes feel like everything is really going to be okay in the end, then I think there is something wrong with me. I feel so confused. I feel so alone in my feelings. I look at her. It's love. I look at him. It's love. I look at myself...and well that's a different story. I'm not very fond of this feeling, I must tell you. I feel like I took a complete 180 turn. But I have to be okay...but this is life right? Living and dying...some don't even get the chance to really live. It's fate I suppose. Or maybe it's the way the world turns. My brain is upside down, my heart is right side up. My head is spinning and I can't think of all the things I'm supposed to do, much less be. I guess I am just a mess. I know God is taking care of me...I know God is doing what's right with me...then how come I question so much? How come I second guess myself? I live a lie, because there is always a lie to live. Running away is much easier than facing the truth. I shut it out. I can beat myself up. I can try to make a point. I'm strong, because I am not weak. I refuse to let my guard down, because that's when you get the upper hand. My life's a living lie. My head is a mess. My hands are tainted. My blood is black. My heart is smoking. My eyes are fading. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. I'm a lie. Forget the flesh. Eyes burn red. I'm forgetting...forgetting...forgotten. Well psh fuck it doesn't make much sense now does it?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Got some news

I'm pregnant and couldn't be more thrilled. God is good. He answered my prayers! Maybe he will answer the prayers of me having a boy! Pray it's a boy!

I'm thankful that God gave me a bean and a lil girl. God is good.

Oh and have a merry christmas. It's kylie jade's 2nd christmas!